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Guaranteed Not To Work! Ten Easy Steps To Web Site Failure

Free Website Design Tips

"Keep your website updated!" they told me. Pshaw! Personally, I enjoy re-reading the same material decade after decade. But I hear other people don't. That's insane!

TrixieRemember: In this crazy world, people want the latest. They want something new! In my day, things didn't change much. And that was fine with me. More Helpful Tips From Trixie

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Summary: Use meaningless information and confusing presentation whenever possible.

  • Make your website load slowly. Like a fine wine, you don't want to spoil the experience by having it peak too soon.
  • Limit the amount of useful information you provide. Research shows that website users actually prefer an abundance of worthless filler. Plus, Google and Yahoo give extra points for pages that go on and on and on but say nothing!
  • Navigation menus should be unclear. It's even better if you can hide them altogether. They're overrated and people love mysteries!
  • Make things hard to find. People love games and will be more than happy to hunt around your website to find what they're looking for. They will come back again and again for the joy it brings.
  • Ignore people's suggestions and feedback. They are a total waste of time and, after all, what do they know?!
  • Avoid usability testing. Another time-waster.
  • Make sure some links don't work right. Once again, people don't mind. In fact, they're cute and somewhat endearing.
  • Use garish colors and poor contrast. Readable text is highly overrated. Plus, nobody really reads anymore.
  • Include useless animation. It makes your website stand out.
  • USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. PEOPLE LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE SO EASY TO READ.
  • Small fonts are great.
  • Low-contrast text and backgrounds are easier to read.
  • Double Bonus: Small fonts and low-contrast are the coolest of all.
  • Use long paragraphs and really long pages that discourage quick browsing.
  • Avoid "alt tags" for images. It's A- OK!Make sure picture file sizes are gigantic. Super-size them! At least 500,000 bytes if you want to be taken seriously. Bigger is always better, right? Research shows that, despite conventional wisdom, people really do like waiting -- especially younger people!
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Remember, We all like:

  • To wait,
  • Be confused and
  • Be frustrated!

 


Bonus Tips

  • Avoid plain language. Everyone knows that straight-forward language is insulting. Use industry jargon whenever possible.
  • Use words and phrases that your audience doesn't know. It shows how smart you are.
  • Sprinkle in some spelling mistakes and convoluted grammar to make people feel comfortable.
  • Violate people's privacy when possible. It adds a nice personal touch and shows you care.
   

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